jakimfett's lab

bits of code and other random musings

jakimfett’s list —

A random collection in no specific chronological order (or, “list”) of things jakimfett has been told.

  1. Not allowed to “weaponize” anything.
  2. Attaching “cyber” to the beginning of anything doesn’t automatically grant jakimfett access.
  3. jakimfett may never again refer to anyone as “tinklebelle”
  4. The proper response to a spider attack is killing the spider, not recording the chaos for youtube.
  5. Weeping angels are not real, and jakimfett is very sorry for convincing the freshmen that they are.
  6. jakimfett is not a traffic cop.
  7. …not even if they did wait a half hour in order to confront the owner of the incorrectly parked SUV
  8. Not allowed to confess his sins to a Catholic priest.
  9. …not allowed to confess┬átheir sins to a priest.
  10. …not allowed to confess┬átheir sins.
  11. Not allowed to requisition a motorcycle “for science”.
  12. …not allowed to requisition anything “for science”.
  13. …not allowed to requisition anything.
  14. …”for science” is no longer a valid reason for anything
  15. …neither is “for great justice”, “for the Boom God”, or “for posterity”.
  16. jakimfett is not the high priest of “The Boom God”.
  17. jakimfett is not the high priest of anything.
  18. jakimfett is not allowed to remove the warning labels from anything in order to “kill off the stupid people”.
  19. jakimfett is not allowed to say the words “danger” or “zone” in any combination, in any situation.
  20. “nonflammable” is not a challenge.
  21. …neither is “nonreactive” or “inert”.
  22. Not allowed to ask Tech Support “Why?”.
  23. “The laws of physics do not apply to me” is never an appropriate response when security asks how you gained access.
  24. As part of a blue team, the phrase “the best defense is a good offense” does not apply.
  25. Sarcasm has no place in post-op briefings
  26. The BOfH is not an appropriate role model.
  27. If the BOfH did it, jakimfett is to assume they are prohibited from attempting it.
  28. Punting is not a proper way to deal with small yapping dogs, regardless of how satisfying it is.
  29. Your terminal is for programming, not for hacking.
  30. Not allowed to terrorize the IRC bot.
  31. Not allowed to circumvent the IRC filter.
  32. Not allowed to disable the IRC filter.
  33. Is prohibited from taunting support when they fail miserably at something.
  34. Must never taunt support staff, ever.
  35. The proper response to a DDOS is mitigation, not assimilation.
  36. Same goes for a DOS, brute force botnet attack, a WAF bypass, XSS, or any other attack.
  37. A “headless” terminal has nothing to do with French Revolutionary execution methods
  38. Our department is not here to put the “fun” in “dysfunctional”
  39. Or the “laugh” in “slaughter”
  40. The server does not run on Kool-Aid™, and it’s wrong to tell the interns that it does.
  41. Not allowed to strangle “All the stupid people”, in any way, intentional or otherwise. See rule 18.
  42. Just because it *can* be solved with fire, doesn’t mean it *should* be solved with fire.
  43. “TPK” is not an achievement
  44. …nor is it an ability, skill, or background modifier.
  45. “Fold the paper so it can be launched across the room” means make a paper airplane, not crumple it into a ball and throw it.
  46. “Comfort the disturbed, disturb the comfortable” is not an appropriate mission statement.
  47. Ikea is not an armory, and providing case studies to the contrary will not make it so.
  48. Tapioca pudding is not “basically frogs eggs in condensed milk”
  49. No cults.
  50. This includes techno-cults and cargo cults.
  51. …and obviously, cult cults are right out.

The following occurred inside some form of game, computer or otherwise.

  1. Must communicate plans to the party before going AWOL. Especially in the middle of combat.
  2. Incendiary barrels aren’t funny.
  3. …neither are acid, shock, or explosive.
  4. …just because it can explode, doesn’t mean it should.
  5. …this goes double if any party members are inside the blast radius.
  6. Body armor doesn’t make grenades “tickle”.
  7. The proper response to a “man down!” is to provide an assist, not an analysis of the actions that got them incapacitated in the first place.
  8. Skags are not “cuddly”.
  9. Not allowed to attempt to duplicate anything from the SCP archive.
  10. “Hide and go splorch” is not a real game.
  11. When faced with a cataclysmic event that may wipe out the entire city, the appropriate response is to attempt to avert the catastrophe, not loot it after the residents flee in terror.
  12. If the blast radius is larger than the render distance, I’m to assume I am not allowed to fire the weapon.
  13. Not allowed to blow up the moon *any* moon.
  14. Planting dormant viruses near the base of someone who annoys me is generally frowned upon.
  15. “n00b sniping” is not an official spectator sport.

I’m going to find where you live and do nice things to you until you can’t stop smiling, so help me Zod…!

Originally posted on codemonkeyreport, moved here as part of that site decommissioning project.

Categorised as: InfoSec | Snippets

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